another day

Well I thought my dr office will be closed due to the weather boy I was wrong. So I have to show him I am trying.  I have to see a neurologist, therapist and of course him all that cost money. And top if all of I have a toll tag fee over 1700. I called them up to see if I can reduce it since I been at the hospital. They tell me “No”. They gave me two option no tag or jail. I told them about my illness it doesn’t matter. I even wrote to out major Greg abbot no response.  And now I have to get my house fix something about foundation. I don’t know what else to do. There’s too many things that is happening at once. I still have many other problems.  I want to get out this damn house.  I cant. I wish I can take pictures so u can see it for urself. No one is listening to me or do not care. Believe me I don’t like to ask for money I have no choice.  I was told to do it thru paypal. My email address is elgonzales18@gmail.com.  if u can’t donate I understand.  Cause this is hurting me to even ask for money. I don’t claim welfare or any other public assistance.  Now I got so low that I am freaking begging

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today is not good

Every single day I sit in the house and have nothing to do. So I messed the house so bad which it will take me weeks to clean up. Which I can never complete it. It stays like that for a very long time

This anxiety & panic attacks I am getting is getting worse.  I cannot control myself. My mind is not thinking clearly basically wish to die. I cannot keep going on and living like this. I am scared what I would. I am praying to have God help me. It’s not working.

The medication is not working and my dr tell me go ahead and take another one and if you still feel like this then call for help. I told him I can’t I need to fight it. There’s gotten be something out there that will help it. So he prescribed me seroquel So I can go asleep and suppose to help. I hope so. However it still will not change anything I will still have the same problem when I wake up.

Please God please help me. I need you desperately.  Please get whatever that’s inside me to leave.

I will not tried to hurt myself I want to get well. God please watch over me.

ok I went

I went to the psychologist and she stated that it is very important to see a therapist.  I told her I will see her only one time. Since I have to save up my money to see a neurologist.  She really didn’t like the answer but there were no other choice.

She had left me go even though she believe I need to be put back in hospital.  I told her if I promise I won’t do anything would she let me go. She told me okd. But she will be checking on me.

If God has a plan for me when will it start. I am way over my income limit. If i Cannot afford see the dr, fix my house or myself. What else I can do. Especially when the toll people tell me they will put me in jail not paying them. I’m just to fed up. And this mental illness is really not helping.  To be honest I’m just tired.

Nothing to Do

I really don’t have nothing do but sit here and tried to get my mind straight.  I send email to DeDe at K104 which I thought she would understand mental illness. I told her that Rickey Smiley(his staff) and Steve Harvey(his staff) would make a joke about it.  I don’t want to be part of the punt of their job. I want one day to go outside and feel free. Not feeling trap and cannot breathe. The only person who send me something was from Kellie from106.1 with no question ask. When I received I was really touched. But you tell me someone from local radio station cannot acknowledge you. Their life is too much important where they cannot say Hi or something.

Well, my true goal is trying to fight it. I don’t care about any contest, money or anything. I need to get my mind right before I can get my life back. I live in darkness. I get email and they asked me who would you invite for Valentine. My answer is anyone who is not scared of me. People are afraid to be around me. And I’m afraid to be around them. So reality the person who will be with me on Valentine would be me. (I hope I don’t scared myself off).  Well thanks all I will see my psychologist tomorrow maybe the dr would prescribe medication that would actually work . And my headache it is still going on. No hope there.

I Said that was the last time but something happen

First I would like say I have a mental illness which the dr put me in the same category as  a PTSD person. I have social anxiety, anxiety, panic attack and agoraphobia. So with the last blog I listed I stated it was getting autograph from famous people which it pass the time. Knowing I wouldn’t get it but it was something to

So no more  writing  to Ellen,Oprah, Kelly, Michael, The real you  name  it I wrote to everyone , they know who they are. I want  to  thanks them in advice for no support.

Then I finally my bills was piling up some I had to take care of that. So I have a doctor apt on Friday 02/06. Which that means either I don’t eat that month or something cut off. I have no choice.

Then I received an email to listen to music and hopefully it will help through out the day. So today, I went to Walmart(remember I never went outside) and had a panic attack which I couldn’t controlled it. I stuff there over an hour. I cannot remember if I went grocery shopping because I partially blind and my  body was stiff

How cannot continue living like this? I feel completely and ultimately helpless. I  am so  sick of this I’m am so tired and don’t know what else to do. The lady  at the store who I didn’t even know came right to up  to me and said I have the devil in me. Then she walk  off. Could that be true?

my last story

I thought by asking autograph from famous ppl. It would give me something to do now.  I’m not going to do that.

I received a letter from  toll company stated I own them over $2000. I had explained to person that I had been sick and numerous hospital.  That’s why my bill haven’t been paid. They accrue interest and other expenses.  I explained to them I had always paid my toll charges. The gentleman stated it’s not his problem. He gave me 2 choices either paid the bill or go to jail. I explained to him there has to be so kind a way the bill can be reduce due to my illness.  I told him I can pay the bull and risk not seeing the dr or just die since I cannot see a dr. He reply back you got Ur choices u can pick either one. I only make 1400 from ss. So that’s mean I need to make I have a place to stay and see a dr.  My doctor ask me one day if I’m eating I told him yes. I had to cut that out in order to get him..ppl send places to go to get the help but they turn me down stated I make too much money.  Not only I to pay my  toll charges it’s my gas and electric they all say the same thing if u want gas or light then pay the bill or u do have the other options.

So now I have to make a choice either get the help I need or not.  Again. This is my last blog I will not write anymore I will not disturb anyone nor talk to anyone. Again this is a test from God. I believe he want me. I don’t see any alternative.  I know no one reading I was only thinking.

Story About Me

Here I’m here sitting in my room just thinking about what I’m missing out.I won some movie tickets which I have to give away.I gave it too a lady at CVS. I figured she needed then me.  I had received a questionnaire that I didn’t realize that I was really that sick.

Im tried of living this way and maybe I won’t. Like I stated earlier my Dr wants me see a neurologist. Which I told him I have no money. And the healthcare.gov is a joke. When you call they tell you that you can afford it.but not realizing either you want a place a stay probably or have health insurance live on the street.what am I supposed to do?

Again I turn to Joel Osteen if it is my time it’s my time.I don’t want to beg for money. I just see how this go.I tried to call Joel got scared and hang up.I don’t know what to say. Like they say have too see.